Once again, the following list is absolute fact!!… with several intentional un-truths and exaggerations thrown in for peaceful purposes only, ok?
Here we go.
5: The “No I don’t really need to see your license or registration, I just pulled you over to look at your car” deal.
I like police officers…don’t get me wrong. I respect the job they have to do and I appreciate the fact that they do it. However, you need to understand that there will come a time, and depending on what your car looks like, maybe several times when you are going to be heading somewhere and all of a sudden you see those lights in your rear view. The panic courses through your veins like a surging European soccer crowd. You can’t think of a thing that you did wrong.
You pull over and the officer literally skips to your window and he just smiles as you finally give up on trying to roll down the window cause your regulator decided it needed a smoke break and you open the door. Officer Happy-McHapperson asks you for your license, registration and proof of insurance, WHICH YOU HAVE. He pretends to glance at your paperwork but you notice he’s checkin out your wheels. He asks “So do you know the square root of the coffee cup button wood laminate shell toe?” as he’s gently caressing the roofline of your bug. Then he mumbles “ooo yeah…I love these babies”. Still ignoring you. This can go on for an hour or more. Then he’s going to shake himself out of his stupor of amazement and give you your stuff back then say ”Try to keep keeping it under the limit.” ??? As you drive off you see him waving gently.
When this happens, just go with it. He can’t help it. He had to see your car…HE HAD TO! He also had the means to make you stop so he could take a big steamy gawk at it. You just let it go. Someday you may need his assistance and he will remember..trust me, it’s happened. Plus, all things considered it was kinda cool.
4. The sell me your car for “dollar amount” situation.
So…this can happen anywhere! On the freeway, in a hospital parking lot, outside a restaurant, at your family BBQ or at every gas station you ever stop at!
Some person is going to walk up to you, look you square in the eye and say “I got $10,000 cash right now. Sell me your car.” If you’re me you scoff and pffft and say “naw man…she’s not for sale.” The guy deepens his eyelid-less stare and says “$20,000.”
Now here’s what I do.
First I ask him if he has the $20,000 all in nickels. I understand that is a lot of nickels but I’m curious to see the pockets that can hold that many. Mine can hold like 9. I don’t know…that’s just me I guess. Then I think to myself. Who has $20,000 in cash on them? I’ve seen shows on TV where a fella has that kinda money, but he’s usually unsavory and unless he’s a super slick fine art theif he’s probably a bad guy. (I know I know art thieves are bad too, but I did say “super slick” so that’s different. ) I have also heard of people walking up to others at shows like the VW Classic with a suitcase full of money (non-nickels) and buying cars on the spot. Now unless I am in fact at the VW Classic the best move is to repectfully decline and laugh while desperately looking for my cop buddy Happy McHapperson. In most cases the guy with the $20,000 justs wants to see what you say. He may be interested in your car, but beware of Greeks bearing nickels.
Know what I’m sayin?
3: The, Hello I’m city traffic and a different person would like to have a meaningful conversation with you at every stoplight even though you really need to get home cause you have to pee situation.
Pretty much explains it all. Every single light, if you look over someone is smiling. If you hold that look for more than 3 nanoseconds they start motioning wildly for you to roll down your window if it’s not already down. You hope with all the hope in your being that your regulator is taking another smoke break, but nope…your window will glide down smoother than it ever has since you’ve owned the car. (Note: Window regulators are kinda like the acquaintance that you have that really really likes to give you a hard time because he’s pi__ed that he has to live behind a door panel.)
Once your window is down the person is going to be like #6 on this list, or for that matter any number on this list! You only have like 60 seconds at the light, you don’t have time to hear a life story, plus….you have to pee!
The light turns green and you are finally free!! You make it to the next light and your previous light pal is gone, but you, even though you know better, look to the other side and sure enough there’s smiling, a 3 nanosecond wait and then the arms start flailing wildly….stupid regulator works again and now you’re hearing about a 336 Hemi again!
Here’s how to handle it:
Buy a hat…a big giant straw hat. You pull it down to almost the kid on Fat Albert level and you just drive!! Your bladder needs you to do this. Don’t look around at lights! Don’t take that kind of chance. If they really want to talk to you and they have the means, they’re gonna pull you over anyway…right?
That was an easy one.
2: The I’m not smart enough to realize that you have a 4 cylinder car and this gigantic wing of over compensation on my “insert brand of tuner car” is compelling me to want to race you really really bad.
Technically your car can be running on half a cylinder, spewing smoke and shaking like a paint can at Ace Hardware, and some tuner person is going to roll up next to you with a DOHC 80 bajillion valve, crazy whiney zipper sounding muffler, and a wing so big it looks like they took it off a stealth fighter jet or something. Your big hat and not looking trick won’t work. He’s doing his zipper revving inch worming move….he wants to race…bad.
Here’s what you do.
Remember Marty McFly. Light turns green. Let him go. It’s not worth it. No matter how fast, he’s nowhere near as cool, plus why risk it. This is a lesson I’ve learned, through experience and through things that have happened to others in our hobby. Your cop friend won’t be nice if he sees you do this. Plus some of that wing glue might get on your car and then it’s like an infection. Let him go. You have better things to do.
1: The “You love your car more than me” Situation.
Ok….this is real right here. Your significant other may say something like that to you one day. Your kid(s) may say something like that to you one day. No need for an illustration.
Here’s what you do.
Option 1: You can look him/her/them right in the eye like you have $20,000 in nickels in your pocket and say “Yep” then walk away.
Now…if you have eyes in the back of your head and can see shoes and kitchen utensils flying at you, this is a pretty good option. If you don’t you might want to try Option 2.
Option 2: You do your best Bugs Bunny sad eye look and you say something like “Family member…I’m shocked that you would think that. You know how much you mean to me. I mean yeah, I forget your name on occasion and yeah I give the car presents and stuff but that doesn’t mean I love it more.” Then quickly pop the emergency alka-seltzer you keep in your back pocket into your mouth! Fall to the ground and start flopping around and foaming. (Note: If you are a natural foamer just do it!) Distracting your almost as much as you love your car loved one is a sound tactic and it’ll work!
It’s a lot better than telling them truth.
OK…I guess that’s it. I know there are many other common things that will happen to you and I encourage you all to discuss them. Thanks for reading and sharing.
Keep driving your VW…it’s the best vehicle on any road, anywhere.